Soapbox Ramblings

So the goal was to read through Wishcraft to help me get my ass in gear and get some things done. But I stopped reading at chapter 2. I have almost as many valid reasons as I do excuses. I did have that one catering gig that took up quite a bit of time. There’s a good reason. Taking care of everyone else first, another one. Always have, always will. I have no intention of changing that. Some things just have priority over everything else. And sometimes, even the top priorities seem to get “pushed aside.” I don’t like it, but it happens.

But I don’t know if the following are reasons, excuses or just plain cop-outs. I’d like to see them as the first option. They feel like the last option. The truth lies somewhere in between.

•  I’m tired.
•  I freeze and stop.

No, I don’t have as many responsibilities as some people. No, I definitely don’t have as much help as most people. Wishcraft clearly states “you can’t do it alone.” (I forget what chapter now, but it’s in there.) I think there’s the real problem. I can’t do it alone, so very little gets done. That old saying “if I don’t do it, no one else will” is one of the biggest cop-outs from so many people. My mom used to live by it – she still tries to… in spite of actually having all the help she could ever want.  But what if there’s no one else TO do it? What if there’s no help? What then? Priorities get skewed; work gets pushed aside; bills don’t get paid… and I freeze.

Excuse #1
I’m tired. Plain and simple. Yes, part of that IS indeed my depression. Yes, sometimes I succumb to it, sometimes I overcome it. Yes, I can tell and feel the difference when the tiredness is from depression or from something else. What to do when it’s something else? My only real option now is to Sleep. Hopefully soon, I’ll be able to swim or exercise to help get my energy up. Hopefully soon, the condition of the house will stop contributing to it. Hopefully soon…

Excuse #1a
The condition of the house could be seen that I’m a slob. I’ll get into that more later, but I wanted to address the basic accusation here. I am not. The biggest problem isn’t my own cleanliness – some things JUST DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO GO. In order for them to have a place, that means buying more things, which in turn means finding a place for the new things… it’s a vicious cycle. One I plan to and am in the process of overcoming. More to come…

Excuse #2
I freeze. I panic. When I start feeling overwhelmed, I just… stop. (delete, delete, delete, delete, delete) There is no explaining it. Unless you’ve been there, there is no understanding it. I’ve witnessed people in hospital emergency rooms having panic attacks. I’ve seen (friends and) family members GO to the hospital because of panic attacks. Frankly I want to throw those people off a building. Maybe they understand how it feels, but GOOD LORD they need to get a friggin’ grip! Somehow I think it’s the difference in having an ingrown toenail and having a tube shoved into your side with no anesthesia. (Yeah, try that just once. You’ll get what I mean.) Which is basically me saying “no one really understands – WAH!” *rolls eyes at the thought*

On the other hand…

The catering job went GREAT! I’m still getting orders from people who were there. I didn’t get to make everything I had planned (I had a pretty ambitious menu to begin with), but there was enough of every dish for anyone who wanted it to have more and some food left over but not too much. It means I do know how to plan for ‘x’ amount of people. They expected around 20 – 26 people and 30 people showed up. There were lots of questions about the food, how to order, how to fix it, which was the goal. I was answering questions AND SELLING the entire rest of the evening.

I have just under one week to get my entry in for the food contest I’m entering. I still believe I have a very good shot at it, even if I only get my one entry in. I have 2 planned, so at least one of them can be ready by next week.

The cleaning plan is in place and is, so far, working. While things are still a mess, I’m able to find most things I’m looking for, and things that were lost have been found. Score!

The shop and affiliates are up and running. Four sales without any marketing (one within 24 hours). Which has inspired me to get my sites updated. Lots of information out there on how to make both programs successful.  I am officially excited about it.

I did the unthinkable and allowed myself to not only buy something NEW just for me, but a more expensive one at that. The last time I did was sometime last year when I allowed myself to buy a new food processor/blender and a new chef’s knife. I don’t regret getting those for myself – especially since I’m cooking more – and since I’m having to cook more for financial reasons. I don’t regret the new purchase either. I’ve already justified it to myself, that it will help me more effectively and efficiently run my business. (Though I do wonder how many people feel the need to justify a new purchase? I don’t count clothes into that equation as I literally ONLY buy clothes when everything else I have has worn through or no longer fits. I honestly don’t have 5 outfits to get me through the work week.)

Shopping priorities of other people continue to amaze, astound and completely confuse me. One article described a shop-aholic’s goal not to buy anything for one month. She ended up lowering that to 2 weeks because she simply wasn’t able to do it. And on the recent credit counseling I went through online, there was a question of “what do you buy every day?” without an option of “Nothing”. Every DAY? Are they kidding? Why buys something every single day??? (With the answer, it guessed that most people would say things like: sodas, snacks, lottery tickets. Even the counseling web site didn’t take into account some people DON’T BUY THINGS.)  And the shop-aholic’s article listed the most unusual “priority” items I’ve ever seen. The goal was not to shop for things that didn’t fall onto a “priority list.” Her list included wine; but excluded paper towels. So if she ran out of paper towels and spilled her wine, I guess that means she was SOL.

Another priority I witnessed on a recent documentary had me shaking my head in complete disbelief. One woman in Alaska has decided that the only (food) she and her son need is salmon. And the only way she’s going to get it is to go and catch it herself. (First, she clearly prepares the salmon with other food – white bread, heavy mayonnaise, etc, so it isn’t the ONLY food they eat. It’s the only MEAT they eat. Just to clarify what she didn’t.) And her “reason” (ie: excuse) for catching it herself is how expensive meat – salmon, in particular – is. The documentary showed her going past the meat counter with an air of disgust at the prices (with her shopping cart filled with junk food). They then showed her buying all NEW gear (She said she does this every year, several times a year. Why did she need new gear?), loading up her (non-hybrid) car and driving for miles to get to just the right fishing spot. Unsuccessful at catching anything for several days in freezing rain and what looked like the worst possible conditions, with her toddler in tow, no less, she gave in and paid a boat $100 to get to a better fishing spot. She spent most of this time complaining and making sure the viewer (and also her son) was well aware of the potential danger of bears, which she seemed to hear at every turn. What did she get in the end? What looked to be around $60 worth of salmon.

So are my priorities skewed? Maybe so, but I think I’ve got a better handle on it than these poor souls. Maybe someday I’ll be able to buy something for myself without guilt or justification. And hopefully soon… I won’t freeze.